I am afraid of small talk. In fact, I am much more fearful of small talk than extended conversation or even giving a speech to a large group of people. My discomfort with small talk increases along with the respect I have for the person to whom the small talk is directed.
This occurred to me recently when I noticed the mild sinking feeling I get when I encounter people I know in public places. We all know the scenario: you’re at the grocery store and you see someone else from work or a class and you go up to chat with them for about 30 seconds to a couple of minutes. These encounters never fail to give me a certain amount of uneasiness.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m no recluse, and I’m not even that eccentric. It just seems to me that there is a certain pithiness to small talk (despite the “small” part) to which I am very sensitive. In extended conversation or speeches – both of which I am very comfortable with – you are given an indefinite period of time in which to explain your views on a given topic.
This holds true no matter how illogical your views seem to be. I once had a friend who had been on his state-decorated debate team in high school. In witnessing conversations he had with other people, it soon became apparent that he loved to deliberately espouse a preposterous stance on any given issue. Once this was established, he would proceed to mince words until he inevitably had the other person questioning his own viewpoint. My friend had an evil kind of genius that almost never failed him.
Small talk, however, works by a dynamic that uses much more circumspect appraisal. One does not just listen to words being spoken. There are inherent politics in the way people interact, regardless of how superfluous those interactions may be. The way we say things and the non-verbal cues we use when we say them betray things about our personality that cannot be elaborated upon in the brief moment allowed for small talk. These little bits of information are left for the other person to interpret on their own, consciously or unconsciously. One stands to be judged on absurdities that are fated to remain absurd and on gestures, lilts in tone and non-verbals that say just as much in the mind of the listener as any meticulously planned tract.
This is by no means a bad thing. This form of intuition lets us know if someone cannot be trusted, even if that person has not said anything particularly stupid. People who take things others say at face value are often considered naïve (though this is a mistake all make from time to time). There is a good reason for this. Overly credulous people are, unfortunately, prone to being tricked and fooled. Intuition is a seemingly Darwinian adaptation to this environmental hazard.
The strength of small talk is what makes the dialogue in Quentin Tarrantino movies so good. In most of his films, the characters spend an inordinate amount of time talking about things that seemingly have nothing to do with the plot. Despite this superfluity in the dialogue, though, one is left with a crisp image of the characters’ personalities.
This type of interaction is also more realistic. I think people rarely sit down, select a serious, weighty issue and start discussing. People do discuss these issues, but only when conversation casually meanders its way to them. This does not mean that everyday discussion is bankrupt. Just like in Tarrantino films, people garner social value from conversations on things as seemingly meaningless as different kinds of sandwich meat or what horrible b-movies they have and haven’t seen. You may not be learning about the things being discussed, but you are coming to know your fellow conversant in a more intimate way.
Unlike Tarrantino films, though, small talk in grocery stores doesn’t provide much time to exchange verbal or non-verbal information. What you say and don’t say, therefore, is much more open to misinterpretation. This is why I have a mild fear of small talk.
I am fully aware that this stance may be more indicative of my own insecurities and eccentricities than anything else. That said, I will offer this caveat: if you ever see me in a grocery store and I limit my interaction to a simple “hi,” rest assured that I just value your friendship too much to risk accidentally making an ass of myself. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Of course, I may just not like you. But in that case, you’re probably not reading this.
